Be funny: What do white people like?

A2A by Habib.

This question is going to be answered by two Nicks: the Greek, and the Australian:

The Greek:

Ya Habibi, Habibim! Τι γίναμε ρε θηρίο! (“What’s news, you monster!”)

White? Who you calling white? What is with these questions I’m seeing in the Quora sidebar? Are Greeks white, are Albanians white, are Arabs white? Are dolphins white? Are Klingons white?

You know what white people do? They go on Quora and they ask who else is white! That, my friend, is what we here in the Navel of the Earth call Αμερικανιά. How you say… Squirt of American? Something like that.

You have no eyes there in the Americas? You wonder who is white, and what they like? You should come to Europe man! Φάτε μάτια ψάρια “Eyes, eat fish!” as the Greek saying goes. Lovely spectrum of colours here!

White. Pfft. What is that, anyway. We have swarthy Greeks, we have less swarthy Greeks, we have second generation Zairean Greeks. We have nazis too, who say that Gypsies and Albanians are not Greek. They have this football slogan. “You’ll never be Greek, Albanian!”

You know why they say this? Because they are nazis!

You know what the nazis in Greece don’t say, Habibi? “You’ll never be white.” Who gives a shit about colours in Greece, man. Squirt of American, that’s what that is.

Can you balance a wine glass on your nose while dancing?

These are the real issues that matter!

Now, there is some roast goat coming out of the oven, man, you will be licking your TOES when you’re done with it. You’re going to love it.

Meantime, we dance! Όλα τα παιδιά στην πίστα! (“Everybody on the dance floor!”)

Άλλα της! (“Allah to her: inexplicable exclamation of Greeks while dancing”)

ΝΑ ΠΕΘΑΝΕΙ Ο ΧΑΡΟΣ! (“Death to the Grim Reaper!”)

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The Australian:

Yeah. He… gets a bit loud when he’s excited. Sorry, mate.

So, mate. Don’t listen to the Greek guy, mate. He was brought up in the most white-bread part of Greece. Like, so white-bread, they didn’t even have reffos there from Turkey.

Wozzat? Reffos. Refugees, mate. Ya gotta keep up.

So, mate. I hear ya. Whites. Listen, here in Australia, we’ve had racism. A lot of Australia still does. So I kinda get it.

But I still kinda don’t. ’Cause all this “what do white people like” bizzo is, ah, how did the Greek guy put it? Ameree Kanye? Or as we call it down ’ere in God’s Own, “Seppo shit”.

Seppo, mate. Rhymin’ slang. Like, Seppo for Septic Tank. As in, Yank.

You good, mate?

Right. So, yeah. We have had racism, and it was based on skin colour. If you ask any Aborigine to this day, ’ken oath there’s such a thing as Whitefellas, an’ things Whitefellas like.

Like Zorba dancing.

I don’t reckon White Aussies got that when the Yolgnu mob were doing Zorba? They were making fun of things Whitefellas like. The Greeks back in Greece sure didn’t.

Yeah, I dunno, mate. It’s like all white people look the same to them, or something.

But the white Aussies? They never really went around saying “we’re white”. Nah, mate. Didn’t happen.

Back in the day, they were British. That melting pot youse guys had in America didn’t happen here, so they didn’t have to fall back on “white” as an identity. They still got to have a culture the way normal people get to have a culture. You know? Tribal and national affiliation.

And then, they got to be Anglo-Celts. And to all the immigrants that came here, they were called Aussies.

Or Skips. Glorious moment when that happened.

Wozzat? Jesus. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo. It was a TV show. With ’roos on it. Like Aussies are.

But anyway. Point is, mate, some White people over there in Seppoland realised that black people are cool, and concluded that they weren’t cool. So they started making fun of themselves. Things White People Like, and shit like that.

Aussie White people? Like, Skips? Mate, we’re pretty sarcastic here and shit, but d’you reckon Skips would ever be embarrassed to be what they are? And make fun of what White People like? Fair suck of the sav, mate! Mate, Aussies, all Aussies, have more front than fuckin’ Myer’s, mate!

Wozzat? Oh FFS. Myer’s. Big department store. Founded by a Jewish guy in Bendigo. Yeah. It’s a saying. Means they have a lot of front. As in, no shame.

You gotta learn how to talk ’Strayan, mate.

So yeah. If we wanna talk about what White People like, down here in God’s Own, we’ll make fun of hipsters, or we’ll make fun of bogans. And those of us who aren’t Skips will make fun of Skips. And we’ll all think that Africans are way cooler than any of us.

But we’re not gonna talk about White people. I reckon Indigenous Australians have earned the right to do that themselves. We’re just Aussies.

So. Mate. What do White People like?

White People like to wish they were Aussies, mate.

Now. Come over and have a beer. Me mate’s got a barbie going, and we’re supposed to bring a plate.